-Death 2-

Ok…I lied…I’m grossed out, tormented, angry and deeply affected by this injustice bequeathed onto a fragile undeserving human being! There is no God…Mother nature is a “Bitch!”

I’m fuckedup over this! What can I say?

Walking in on someone who’s been dead for 2 days…naked, alone and then having to deal with someone who’s distraught, screaming in a heart broken manner, who I feel very bad for and like very much.

This person who died…

This person was a very angry and tortured soul. She would take it out on me.

My mother was a very angry and tortured soul. She would take it out on me.

I was molested by a very angry and tortured soul. They took it out  on me.

I was beaten senseless by an angry tortured soul. He  took it out on me.

My Wife is a very angry and tortured soul. She takes it out on me.

I have seen them all die, or I am presently watching them die…

We fought this morning; over the stupidest of things. For a moment I truly hated someone I love very much. She’s doing it all wrong and I have to standby and watch her  die very slowly (Spiritually)…Her soul is passing before my eyes and I just have to stand by and  watch this slow motion train wreck!

Death freaks me out, especially now that I’ve lost God. It’s so final, so insulting how death is so powerful…Mother Nature is so in control of us and we have no say.

Where did time go, why am I here? I still ask these questions of the Universe at this ripe age of 54 nearly to be 55, nearly to be 56 and so on. How near is the end I’m way more than halfway and yet I feel like I just started my life this year!

I’m grossed out, tormented, angry and deeply affected with LIFE!

…and I hate myself for that.

I  need to except, I need to dig down deeper, I need to look harder for meaning, truth, beauty and goodness.

I’ll start now…I have to or I will die tortured, angry and alone…

-Afraid-

-Death-

The worst part of this job…My second time.

She didn’t like me too much. Problems with Men, authority, my company…who knows, but I couldn’t help feeling bad for her; a helpless human being, here, then gone!

I got the call from a young lady (surrogate caretaker) that she hadn’t heard from the resident in a couple of days, so I had to go open up to check with her and I knew already; It’s a second sense.

Everything must die…It’s a difficult notion, but we learn to except it, so difficult to wrap your head around. The woman had no family, had broken her hip and was in general disrepair. She had told everyone who would listen that it was time to go and she left.

Will there be time that we must make that decision? I don’t want to think about it.

I  think since she didn’t like me and I never bonded with her I don’t feel that deeply saddened…My good witch’s are still alive and kicking and I know It will be a sad day when they make that decision to leave.

We’re only chickens scratching for existence between the forceps and the stone. Make good of today enjoy every second. Death’s a bitch…