The Apostate Manager

It’s hard to explain the way I feel right now… “Limbo”, that place, that no mans land. I am so close to poverty, maybe homelessness? I’m living in Nob Hill with a nice apartment. It could overnight change to a horrible nightmarish living situation. I’m in a job where I feel unmotivated like never before, working for a bunch of imbeciles who let other imbeciles run this forsaken company into the ground. If this saga I’m involved in had a name it would be “The Young And The Reckless” and I feel like the “Apostate”.

Basically I know I’m getting fired, it’s inevitable. The writing has been on the wall for sometime now. My trips to the office are just plain weird. Everyone knows, but no one speaks. I see the smiles that don’t reach the eyes. Lies and deceit behind those haunted and jaded faces. “Talk to me already, would you?” I’m tortured like many other managers who wait for the proverbial axe to fall. I’m treated like I have the plague…hmmm interesting. They are the diseased. Sick with Gluttony and greed. Impersonal, sociopathetic and evil. I hate them like I’ve never hated any group of people before, yet they at this moment are the wardens of my fate. How did I get in this hopeless situation. I’ve never had a real warm relationship with these clowns. In the beginning I was treated horribly by the company clique due to my direct dealing with the owner and my ability to bypass clown school to get to the ringmaster.

I’m being forced into an impossible predicament, a time of decision with so many variables and too few avenues to travel. One false move and I’m doomed. I hate this. So out of my comfort zone like so many others. That is the only thing that comforts me…I am not alone. I couldn’t imagine having a family to worry about. A significant other is enough thank you.

Tomorrow I’m finishing up my resume and seeing if I can take a stab at another job. My spouse is going in for a serious operation this week and will definitely be out of commission for at least six weeks.

I’m shirking a lot of work right now for a number of reasons:

1. Fear of not getting paid Difficulty overcoming inertia (attitude, mental block) 
2. Plain don’t give a shit anymore 
3. Mad as Hell Distracted and too busy taking care of personal buisness

I have one foot in Hiroshima and one foot in Nagasaki, one hand in my pocket and the other’s hailing a taxicab.

There is a filthy maggot that works for the Company and he spends the day trolling over the phone looking for a “scab” to walk into my job for one tenth the salary I originally made when I first started with these morons. At least in my main building there are no takers. They have no idea of what they’re getting into or how they’re being taken advantage of. I actually went in to confront man to man and ask what is going on.

“Am I getting the axe?” I asked.

“No don’t worry about it” mumble, mumble.

He couldn’t answer me like a man, only as an earthworm.

By the way I’m being nice here…just wait till I get fired…

Apology Accepted

“I don’t need this crap right now” as I listened to my angry voice mail. “You’ve had a week to do this and I want it done immediately!” she says in a very harsh tone.

I’m having serious trouble getting work done in my buildings as the my company (Titanic Inc.) slips beneath the waves. Yes all the deck chairs have been straightened out and the shuffle board court has been polished…all has been readied for the big plunge.

I hate this waiting and hiding from these angry passengers in this steamy cloistered “steerage”. (The section of a passenger ship, originally near the rudder, providing the cheapest passenger accommodations.)

In this frigid darkness, in my gloomy state of mind a ray of light is set upon me- an apology!

I couldn’t believe it! I don’t get those very often. She apologized profusely and went on to tell me of how she had lost her job and the outlook for another was pretty bleak. How often have I heard this? We continued to console each other after I explained my situation and if we hadn’t been on the phone and instead standing before each other in person, I am quite sure we would be kicking back naked in each others arms blowing virtual smoke rings as we whispered sweet nothings…OK not that intense, but I can dream can’t I?

I don’t get a lot of people apologizing but I do a lot of tongue biting. Sometimes I’m just outraged at peoples laziness and uncaring in so many ways. I just shut up and eat it, otherwise I lose my job. I think if I do end up losing my job though, all bets are off and I’ll speak my mind in a big way.

 I can’t believe how many people are out of work right now and how many buisnesses are going down, yet I walk through the financial and it seems like buisness as usual. Very strange indeed, I guess it’s all about perspective. I sure hope for the best and I think this will turn around, I just hope my life…our life isn’t so upended to the point that it all becomes unsalvageable, like the Titanic on the bottom of the ocean. It’s getting there and I worry. The other way of looking at it is that on many occaisions things have plummeted out of the sky, crashed and burned, but out of the ashes has arisen something new, different and promising. I’ve personally destroyed my life a few different times and come out of it with a new perspective and pretty much a new life, so I remain hopeful. What can I say, but we grin and bare it and remain positive that this all means something. I’ll also cherish those apologies. I bank those for a rainy day.

The Road to Homelessness

Just in case I end up homeless, I want to document the journey step by step. Things are not boding well around here. The writing on the wall is in boldface caps. There are a lot of reasons why I find myself where I’m at today. Many have been of my own bad decisions, lack of motivation and depression -self contempt, but mostly it’s the same old story of greed from above, bad cooperate decisions and evil people.

I’m backsliding very quickly. I’m selling a lot of prized possesions right now and it really pains me. My guitar collection is gone pretty much and the bikes are following. Next will be the tools, clothes and entertainment IE. TV, stereo etc…

Stay tuned for more, as this drama unfolds.

The Manager

So Volatile

Things have been so volatile with my company and my job that I’ve been to pre-occupied and distracted to keep up with my blog. I’m so afraid of losing my job and ending up in the street.

How would that be? I think I could survive. The idea of being nothing to nobody is actually a very cool idea…At least for a time.

Cathy wouldn’t be able to survive like that. It’s easier for a guy to survive in the wild. It’s tough having to answer to so many people 24/7. There’s just too much responsability at times. I am lucky though, even though I’ve lost so much in the last few years. I gave up my car, along with many guitars, personal items and I’m broke…like really broke. I’m without an internet connection for the next week. Kind of disappointing to fall backwards to such a degree, but I still have a roof over my head and food on the table, oh and the bikes…gotta have the bikes.

I’m thinking about what to do with this sight. I’ve actually gotten the idea to maybe even turn this blog into a semi-fiction novel based on past experiences. I’m planning on getting into writing heavily, so this would be good practice.

I’ve got a week to decide before I go online again.

I’ll keep you posted.

Worst part of my job…Mandatory apartment entry. I hate entering peoples apartments. Unfortunately PG&E has a new program going with the city of San Francisco where all light bulbs must be changed over to energy efficient bulbs. In order to do this I have to go in with a team of light bulb changers and change every bulb…yeah I know how many light bulb changer ya-da-ya-da…

Most everyone is fine with it, but there are those few that consider it a capitol offense. Like I’m gonna lounge around in their apartment drinking beer and watching porn in my underwear. Believe me I don’t want to be there at all. So, well see what happens between now and then.

I’m finally pretty much over my cold and I’m feeling a little more caught up with work. I’ve had time to pursue some of my own interests. It was nice today to work on my music most the morning and still squeeze some work in to boot. I’m hoping things are going through a quiet stage with my job, I have a lot of training to do in the bike department. Full spring agenda…

One of the things that scares me is the fact I’ll be away on one of my junkets and they’ll be a dire emergency in one of my buildings and I won’t be able to get back. You have to have a little faith with this job…

Not much of a plot here tonight, my mind is kind of relaxed and empty…I guess that’s a good thing

1000 Questions

What is it that makes people think on my day off that I just want to talk shop?

Then again I write this damn blog…

“Oh that apartment is still vacant huh” ask’s the guy around the corner for the 10th time this month.

I finally said to him “Who the F cares!” My company doesn’t talk to me, I never get anything from them except bad news. The rental market has tanked along with my cut salary and not being able to get a job.

“Let’s just talk about the weather OK?”

Another guy walking his dog say’s to me

“Oh they’re turning your other building into condos?”

“Who the F cares!” I repeat with the standard answer.

So today of all things I get a call from a tenant in one of my buildings out of the blue. I don’t answer my phone on weekends anymore. Since they took my money away, I have to cut back somewhere.

“Sorry to hear you’re leaving…You’ve been good to us…well take care.”

What the F! Who started that rumor? Or do they know something I dont? It has gotten so weird around here lately. I’ve just been focused on my bikes and music to take my mind of it all. Now I’m wondering if I have a job come this week…Meanwhile I have a lot of life changing events coming up soon that I don’t want to get into right now.

More later…